The Table of Villains
by DeadShut
Summary: What starts off as an assembly of evil-doers plotting to defeat their common enemy turns into your average, everyday sarcasm and filth-talk.


The Table of Villains

"So," said Ganondorf, addressing the group of freaks sitting at the long dining table within the walls of his current castle. "I think we all know why you're here…each of you has been defeated by that no-good sonofabitch Hero, Link…or, at least, some _form_ of him."

The table of villains agreed, nodding their heads and grunting.

"But I propose that we all team up, just for once, and defeat whatever Link dares too approach us!"

"Sounds reasonable," said Vaati. "Only one problem, though."

"And what might that be?"

"I don't have the everfucking magic hat," said the sorcerer, pointing to his hatless head. "So now what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

"Can't you cast any spells on your own?" demanded Ganondorf impatiently.

"Can _you_, without that Triforce of Power?"

"Too far, man, too far."

"Aww, did I strike a nerve?"

Majora giggled madly, bouncing up and down in his seat. "Maybe I could pull the _sun_ down into the gravitational pull this time, and give Link _two_ days to stop it!"

"That never works, Majora," said Dark Link disdainfully, sipping a cup of tea. "He'll find a way to do it." He turned to the person sitting next to him, then asked Ganondorf, "G', who the fuck is _this_ guy?"

"That's Uncle Rupee," explained Ganondorf.

"…is he evil?"

"I don't know. He, uh…fought Tingle…?"

"_Fought Tingle_," repeated Dark Link. "They gave Tingle a fucking game? And his villain is a _rupee_?"

"_Uncle_ Rupee," corrected the jewel-demon. Dark Link glared at him.

"I still say we should try and bring down the sun!" exclaimed Majora.

"And _I_ still say shut the hell up!" retorted Ganondorf.

"Hark who's talkin', Mr. Eleven-Games-and-Eleven-Deaths," said Vaati.

"_Oooh_, I felt that one," Bellum said.

"Surprising, coming from a DS villain."

Zant piped up, "Hey, lay off Bellum, Vaati."

"…aren't you supposed to be blown to fucking bits somewhere?"

"I survived! Didn't you see my return once Ganondorf had been defeated in _Twilight Princess_?"

"Was that what that was? I thought the makers of the game just wanted to see your psycho-ass die in a painful manner again. Tell me, Zant; what're you doing these days?"

"Gotten a bit into poetry."

Vaati snorted.

"Alright, guys!" Ganondorf roared. "Can we _please_ pull together and come up with something?"

A monstrous train bashed through the wall in a spray of debris, taking out a chunk of the table, and then crashing through the opposite wall in a matter of five seconds.

"Well, Malladus just killed Zant," Vaati pointed out, staring at the empty seat next to him.

"Uncle Rupee, too," remarked Dark Link.

"Thankfully."

"Aha. Ha. That was the closest to a sense of humor I have."

"Doesn't matter, horny teenagers will still write sexy fan fiction about you, anyway."

"Not about you?"

"No, having sex with a giant fucking eye is _much_ more of a turn-on than fucking a hero's darker alter-ego. Dick."

"Go head-butt a bullet."

"Bullets don't exist yet."

"Really? We have fucking trains, but no bullets?"

"We have arrows."

"Then go head-butt an arrow."

Veran spoke, "Guys, can we _please_ listen to the Dark Lord for five seconds-?"

"Shut up, slut," snorted Vaati.

"Why aren't you in the kitchen, Veran?" wondered Dark Link.

"Ohh," said Veran, nose wrinkling. "I see. You two think being a villain is a _man's_ job, huh? Well at least I was a sight more antagonistic than Onox."

"Your left _tit_ is a sight more antagonistic than Onox."

"Which," said Vaati. "I am staring at, if you don't mind."

"I am still waiting for a threesome-fic between myself, Veran, and Twinrova," said Dark Link gloomily. "But I seem to just plow Link's asshole in every sex-fic. Stupid fucking kids and their fetishes."

"Shit, at least there are _some_ females," defended Ganondorf. "I'd hate to be in the Kingdom Hearts-section. The walls are covered in dry seed."

"Ew."

"What do you expect? The only interesting characters are the non-Disney characters, and there are only, like, two females in that group of original Square Enix-type characters. The dudes fuck the dudes, and there's nothing they can do about it."

"Yeah," said Vaati. "At least here we get the occasional Malon or Ruto or Zelda. Then there's Cremia…"

"Pardon me," interrupted Dark Link. "But what the Christly fuck is the difference between Malon and Cremia?"

Ganondorf explained, "Cremia is the Terminan counterpart to an older Malon."

"That," said Vaati. "Or the programmers were all lazy fuckheads."

Majora scowled at him. Vaati flipped him the bird casually.

"So can the two have lesbian sex?" pondered Dark Link. "How bizarre. It'd be like having sex with yourself."

"Which you're used to," added Vaati.

"Whatever. Anyways, Ganondorf…what is your plan?"

Ganondorf just sighed and said, "Y'know what? Just forget about it. We'll-"

Malladus came back into the building and back out, taking Ganondorf with him.

"Fuck!" cried Dark Link.

"Don't worry," said Vaati. "He'll be back for another game eventually."


End file.
